Alright, peeps. I'm about to go on a short rant so bare with me.
I'm at this eye appointment with a retina specialist, and the staff is pleasant so far, so I'm thinking maybe the doctor will be cool and I won't hate everything so much. Keep in mind I HATE when they shine that bright ass light in my eyes. So I'm sitting here for almost TWO HOURS and I still haven't even seen the doctor yet. Then DUN DUN DUNNNN he comes in and I'm instantly realizing this guy has a really nice staff to offset the fact that he is LESS than almost personable. It's bad. I don't like it. He barely says four words to me and his fingers are already in my eyeballs. He's pushing and digging and doing all this stuff and in my head I'm mad at the other doctor for even referring me to this guy. I'm hungry. I haven't had any coffee. And this dude is gouging my eyeballs!! I physically have to clench my teeth to keep from cursing him out and telling him to get his hands off of me. Also, I haven't seen him wash his hands so I have no idea how bad this situation really is. Ugh. This is just the worst. He's calling out all these medical terms to his assistant while he's making me feel like I'm going to be blind after this, and I have absolutely no clue what the hell he's saying. Then get this. He tells the assistant he needs more pictures of my eye, but says NOTHING to me, and walks out. So now I'm back in this stupid ass room waiting for this impersonal dude to possibly come dig his fingers in my eyes some more. Fun fucking times. Let's hope I get out of here and get some food and coffee before giving my thumbs a rest and unleashing my words on this unsuspecting M.D.

~until next time

Hey people. So, as promised, I'm not being a stranger. As I said before, I really appreciate all of your continued support during the last month. I'm getting back to feeling like myself again and writing the way I like to.
So my birthday is this Saturday coming up. And I've made a decision about this next year if my life that I'd like to bring you in on. Let me start by saying that I think positivity is a really important thing in the world today. I don't feel like there are enough people on the planet who step out of their circles to extend a positive thought or feeling to a stranger. I think in the grand scheme of things there are far fewer people who make a point to exude positive energy. With that being said, I've made a conscious decision to be one more person making a point to spread good vibes. To feel that I'm truly being an example of this, though, I had to think outside of the box. I tried something and it worked, and now I'm going to ramp it up and share my experience with you.

I chose a random set of seven numbers and put a New Jersey area code in front of it and sent a text message. It was a simple, "how are you," because I had no idea what my end goal was but it turned out to be a really cool experience.

The two-day conversation probably didn't have more than twenty messages in total, but it turned out I had found a fifteen year old kid named Javi whose birthday is two days after mine. I realized I had picked those specific numbers for a reason and it was so that this young man could have a completely unexpected positive message for his sixteenth birthday. The conversation ended there, but I can honestly say it helped me identify what my goal was. I need to use the experience of my brother's suicide to help me reach strangers in a different way. The truth is you never truly know what someone is going through. You never know how a simple message can change someone's day.

I believe in what I'm doing, and I want to share the journey with you. Once a week I will choose a random phone number and just see what happens. I'll tell you about every one of them while I keep you updated on the rest of my life and lessons, and I hope you'll take this ride with me.

Well, it's dinner time and I'm hungry, so....

~until next time

Hello, my friends. I know I've been gone for quite some time now, and I apologize for that. I've had some weeks recently where I just felt completely overwhelmed with everything I was doing. I didn't feel depressed, or sad. I just felt like everything I wanted to do took so much energy. All I've wanted lately has been naps. I've missed you, though. I had a point a few weeks ago where I felt like my brain actually wasn't going to implode, and I started to write to you. Then guess what happened: I touched SOMETHING on my phone - I don't even know what I touched, and EVERYTHING I had typed was gone. When that happened, I truly didn't have the strength to type it all again; and I knew it wouldn't sound the same so I gave up. Giving up wasn't the right thing to do, but I really couldn't bring myself to start over. I went to sleep instead. I've worked through most of those feelings I had swirling inside of me, and I'm feeling much more balanced these days. I still have a few things I'm figuring out, but I feel like I've gotten back to my normal madness and I've gotten rid of the extra madness. Thank you for showing me so much support while I've been away. I see how many of you still visit, day after day, waiting for me. I am truly touched and inspired to continue being a positive voice in your lives.

​I know when I last left you I had a few things I was excited about telling you about. Let's catch up quickly and I'll move on. I know that's old news for you by now (lol).

​Car Adventures:
​Let me start this portion of the update by saying my brother is the one coolest dude I know. He took me to Massachusetts to visit a friend of his for the weekend and do "car stuff". I've recently become more enthusiastic about mechanics and cars because it's something my brother loves, and I'll learn about anything if it means our relationship continues to grow. So - we drive out there and get to his friend's house. There was already food waiting on us (I love food), then the next thing I remember hearing is, "Alright. Shakira, you ready to go racing?" Of course my response was, "YEAH!" So we get in the car and a cop rolls past us. Mind you, right before we got in the car they were tuning back and forth down the street and making a helluvuhlotta noise. So, needless to say, after the cop passed us we got out of the car and walked right back into the house. My brother's friend even lost his shoe getting out of the back seat of his beautiful Porsche 944.
​So fast forward to driving around. I was having a blast. We ran a Panamera and the look on his face when he realized he couldn't catch us was epic. By the end of the night I was feeling like I knew how a turbo worked my whole life. All in all, I must say I thoroughly enjoyed myself, and the experience with my brother was priceless.

Jury Duty:
​Seeing the justice system from the inside is a very different experience from watching Law and Order on the couch with a cup of juice and a turkey sandwich. Mind you, this was no high-profile homicide case, but I definitely got a better understanding of what happens when you're chosen to truly make a judgement against another human being. It all starts pretty calmly. If your number is called, you go sit in the box and the judge asks you questions. Depending on your answers you either stay until the end and see if either lawyer has any objections to you, or you are dismissed by the judge. I, of course, told them that I don't watch the news so no one had any objections to me. I listened to each side, and I chose what I thought was fair. I'll be honest, though, I felt for the side I voted against. I could tell the guy was truly struggling with what he was going through. On the second day of the process we had heard everything we needed to hear and we took a vote. It was a majority vote within 15 minutes. We gave our verdict to the judge, and 10 minutes later we were dismissed. It was interesting. The entire process was interesting. I hope I never have to do it again.

​So now that you're caught up on the last two things I had mentioned, let's get to the new stuff. My brother recently had emergency surgery on his eyeball. Yes, you heard that right. My brother had surgery on his eyeball. He was working and did something he never does during the ONE time he doesn't wear his safety glasses. He ended up pretty much stabbing himself in the eye with a screwdriver. He said he tried to keep working but his eye was burning badly so he drove himself to his primary doctor. Yup, again, he DROVE HIMSELF to the doctor AFTER having STABBED HIMSELF IN THE EYEBALL WITH A SCREWDRIVER. My mom met him at the doctor, and got the news that they needed to see an eye specialist. She drove him for almost an hour - getting a police escort for part of the way - as fast as she safely could. The doctors gave him a vision test and looked at his eye, and then they said he would need emergency surgery or he could lose his eye. The puncture in his sclera had made a way for his iris to "leak" out of the hole. The doctors had to place his iris back where it was supposed to be and stitch the hole he had in his eye.
​The surgery went great and the doctors were able to save his eye. The hard part, though, was the after care. He was prescribed drops that he had to put in his eye on a specific schedule, and I am not kidding when I tell you watching him having to take those drops is one of the hardest things I've ever had to see in my life. Having to give him the drops myself made my stomach turn. It was so painful for him. It was torture. EVERY TWO HOURS we had to give him these drops. EVERY TWO HOURS I had to hurt my brother and make him feel pain I don't know I could handle myself. It was bad. But I'm thankful it didn't last long. Two weeks later he was doing his own drops and they were barely painful. He wasn't in constant pain, and he was starting to pick up things that were heavier than 5 pounds.
​He made an amazing recovery, and he still has 20/20 vision. His iris is not round anymore, but he says it just makes him look like he's a Rick and Morty character. I love his optimism.

​So that's just one thing I had going on.

​Oh, I changed all of my brakes on my car by myself.... Ok, ok, I used my brother for the things I wasn't strong enough to do. He just supervised for most of it. Just a small point: next time I will NOT take a nap first. I will get the brakes done first because I'd rather not be out there trying to use one flashlight to help me see everything at once.

​I think I've used all the words I have now. Again, my apologies for being so lost in recent weeks. I will work to bring more balance into my life, and I will not be so distant. Goodnight, my friends. I wish you much positivity in your lives.

​~until next time